Puerto Rico is under attack. A hero must come forward and stand up to the United States – but that hero would be jailed or killed.
And so, the island needs an avatar – a potent symbol like Aguila Blanca, Zorro, Robin Hood or Guy Fawkes – through whom the people of Borinquen can fight back.
Here is one of those heroes.
Juan Bobo was a humble man from Caguas, and a construction worker for 30 years. When the economy tanked in 2006, he started moonlighting as a musical impersonator.
Juan was an excellent musician, and his weekend performances at Circo Bar and Scandalo drew standing-room only audiences. Juan was especially good with Ricky Martin numbers.
His Tito Puente act and timbál technique, were impeccable.
But the absolute show-stopper, the one that tore the roof every night, was Juan’s medley of Celia Cruz classics.
Whenever Juan sang Que le Den Candela and Azucar Negra, the crowds screamed so loud, that local residents would call the cops.
By the time he finished Quimbara and La Negra Tiene Tumbao, even the cops were dancing in the aisles.
But costumes cost a fortune, night clubs pay a pittance, and Juan was behind on his rent. With all the worry, he slept only three hours a night.
And then his best friend, Remy Garcia, came up with an idea…Juan Bobo should go into politics.
There’s 78 mayors in Puerto Rico. Each municipality has an average population of only 45,000…but the mayors all get paid roughly $75,000 per year, and then hire their family and friends as “mayoral assistants.”
“Fuck it…I’ll be your chief of staff !” said Remy, and the Juan Bobo campaign was born.
JUAN BOBO FOR MAYOR
For three months, Juan Bobo and Remy campaigned from a broken-down school bus.
Whenever “Chi Chi” Salazar was in town (Chi Chi was in Scarface) he joined the campaign and threw beads at the pretty girls.
Juan campaigned tirelessly, all over Caguas and Gurabo.
Most of the babies peed on him.
In one debate he forgot his opening speech, so he started dancing with a broom.
And then a strange thing happened. A bartender told Juan about Nemesio Canales.
Nemesio was a lawyer, journalist, and the publisher of Puerto Rico’s leading literary review…a magazine called Juan Bobo.
That did it for Juan…a literary magazine with his own name on it! He read everything he could find about Nemesio Canales. Most valuable of all, was this book:
Boberías is the political philosophy of the folkloric character Juan Bobo, with a detailed analysis of the US – Puerto Rico relationship.
It even contains an eight-page study of the Jones Act.
Juan Bobo studied Boberías from top to bottom…and it changed his life. He finally understood why Puerto Rico was in such miserable shape, why millions of people had lost their hope.
Juan incorporated Boberías into all of his speeches, and he decided to run for governor.
JUAN BOBO FOR GOVERNOR
With the wisdom of Boberías inside him, Juan Bobo became a riveting public speaker.
He looked and sounded like a leader.
His confidence grew…
His press conferences grew….
His rallies grew…
Juan Bobo could actually win!
He would bring “a future to believe in,” to the young people of Puerto Rico.
And then the politics got dirty.
THE FRAMING OF BOBO
All the major politicians resented Juan Bobo.
One month before the election, the leaders of the PPD demanded that Bobo join their party. They forced him to attend a press conference, where he would swear allegiance to their PPD platform.
Juan Bobo showed up and insulted everyone. He said it was impossible to swear allegiance to the PPD, because the PPD didn’t stand for anything…so there was nothing that you could “swear allegiance” to.
The reporters all laughed, but the consequences for Juan Bobo were severe. Within three days a woman claimed that Bobo had given her triplets, and then abandoned them.
The San Juan District Attorney announced that Juan Bobo was a known forger, and that his entire campaign was financed with counterfeit money.
The FBI said Bobo was suspected of robbing three banks in Orlando and the entire payroll of Magic Kingdom, just two weeks before Christmas.
The web of guilt and suspicion grew so thick, that Juan Bobo had to suspend his campaign.
A few weeks later, Juan was arrested in Florida on “unspecified charges.”
THE LEGEND BEGINS
Bobo spent two years in jail…then the facts became hazy, and the legend began.
He was Miguel Cotto’s sparring partner in 2013 and 2014…but he was let go when he cut Cotto’s left eye.
After that, Bobo joined several student protests throughout the island.
He was arrested repeatedly, but this did not stop him.
The cops started to rough him up, but it still didn’t stop Bobo.
It seemed like Juan Bobo was on a mission.
He even forged a press pass…
And one night, when the Senate was discussing a bill to “privatize” the beaches of Puerto Rico, Juan Bobo jumped down from the press gallery and punched the Majority Leader in the mouth.
Then Bobo ran out of the Senate chamber, and disappeared into the night.
No one is sure where he is…
No one knows whether he is dead or alive…
But the legend of Juan Bobo keeps growing.
He became a symbol of resistance, in the struggle against Monsanto.
He was spotted at the Paseo de los Presidentes, between Kennedy and Dwight D. Eisenhower, but he vanished before the FBI arrived.
In early 2016, after the first draft of the PROMESA bill was released in Washington, D.C., Juan Bobo appeared in a Panic! at the Disco concert in Ponce…
He also appeared at an outdoor service of Cuerpo de Cristo, a Pentecostal church in Ciales…
Bootleg copies of An Inconvenient Truth, the updated 2016 version, are circulating with Juan Bobo as a special effect…
V FOR VENDETTA IN PUERTO RICO
Meanwhile, the “establishment” continues to discredit Juan Bobo.
PPD operatives claim that he’s a homeless drunk in Fajardo.
Lobbyists for the Marriott Hotel claim that he drowned in a boating accident with Tito Kayak – and that this would not have happened, if the Balneario de Carolina were privatized.
You may not believe the lobbyists, the PPD…or even this entire article.
But one thing is certain: Puerto Rico is entering one of the most difficult periods in its history.
Over the past 15 years, more than one million people have already fled the island.
Borinquen needs a champion.
Tomorrow, I will show how Juan Bobo – or some other legendary character – can be that champion.
I will call it V for Vendetta…the JUAN BOBO revolution.