Ricky “Juan Bobo” Roselló wasted no time in announcing his master plan for Puerto Rico. In a Univisión interview yesterday, flanked by his wife and dog named Tennessee, the governor-elect opened a can of surprises for the entire world.
His energy plan is a 2,000 mile undersea gas pipeline from Texas to San Juan which would cost over $60 billion. This would “help Puerto Ricans in the long run,” but Juan Bobo did not explain how.
His tourism plan is to turn Guayama into “a world class spiritualist and recreation center” where rich North Americans can chase men, women and ghosts, then deduct the entire trip under Trump’s new tax plan.
Ricky “Juan Bobo” Roselló, with his wife and dog Tennessee
His technology plan is to partner with the Financial Control Board, and use their subpoena power on the mayor of Lajas. According to Bobo, “Mayor Irizarry is hiding an intergalactic technology. He is using the UFO airport to make himself rich.” Juan Bobo knows this, because he studied at MIT.
His political plan is to send two senators and five congressmen to Washington, D.C. and demand that Puerto Rico become the 51st state immediately. This worked for Tennessee 220 years ago, in 1796, so Bobo figures “what the hell…why not now?”
His economic development plan is to train 100,000 parrots to sing the Star Spangled Banner and Besame Mucho, then sell them at $5,000 apiece. According to Bobo, “this will generate $500 million for the island, and help to promote our Tennessee Plan.”
With plans like these, Juan Bobo Roselló will soon rival Donald Trump as the greatest entertainer in world politics.
For a history of the War Against All Puerto Ricans, read the book…
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